Note to the neighbors

Dearest neighbor,
I realize that you just became a pet owner recently and while I could not be happier for you there are a few things I think we need to discuss. Standing by and watching while your beast jumps all over me while I am attempting to retrieve my mail? Not cool. Even less cool? Allowing your animal to use my lawn as it's personal toilet. Trust me, when I am mowing the lawn in 90+ degree weather the last thing I want to do is walk through the mine field your monster left in my yard. No my friend this is not cool at all. Just to show you how unhappy you have made me I do believe that next week when I am mowing my lawn I shall do so in my bikini. Yes, that's right the one I bought in my pre-mom days. The one that will never, ever fit me again without the help of radical surgery. 
And for my other neighbor (yes, I'm on a roll today).
I totally understand why your new wife would not want to live in the same house you shared with your former wife. However, it has been over five years now since you have moved out. While I understand you wanting to wait for the housing market to pick up before you sell the house, please for the love of all that is good and holy come by occasionally and mow your lawn. I have tried to be a good neighbor (not that you've ever thanked me or anything) and included your front yard while doing my own, but no more. I'm just too old and cranky to be doing it in this heat. So when you get a call that one of the neighborhood children has gone missing and the police are asking for your permission to search your jungle front lawn, don't be surprised, you have been warned. 
And to my dearest daughter Kylie (yes, I know you are standing over my shoulder reading this). Thank you for once again letting the battery run down on my ipod. Had I been able to listen to some music this morning while I worked outside I probably would not have spent as much time as I did getting worked up over these things. On the other hand I'm sure that the majority of our neighbors are silently thanking you since they did not have to listen to me sing along to Timbaland.